There is a pervasive myth circulating that teens are always impossible to deal with, hard to understand, selfish, overly emotional and hormonal all the time. In reinforcing this myth, we do our teenage kids a dis-service. We believe there is nothing we can do except wait till they reach the other side of adolescence. As parents and teens this is misleading and disempowering.

On the other hand, many of us are desperate to help our kids navigate the tests and trials of adolescence particularly self-criticism and low self-esteem, but do not know where to begin. In addition, we believe they will not even listen to anything we have to say anyway which leaves us feeling powerless. Sound familiar?

As much as we believe we have no influence – we do. In many ways they need us more than ever. Within their armoured posturing is a child who is testing, and trialling new ways of being. On this journey to becoming they are often lost, confused and desperate for us to see and understand them. We have the opportunity and the privilege to compassionately hold the space for their transformation.

How can we talk about Mental Health and Self Compassion?

1. We can teach them that what is happening within their brain and body is normal.

The truth is that the adolescent brain is transforming at a rapid rate, second only to the toddler stage. It is undergoing a period of re-modelling, shaping and pruning in preparation for adulthood. The limbic system processes emotional experience and social information. Pubertal hormones target the amygdala (the seat of our fight, flight, flee response) directly, and sensations become all consuming. Additionally, there are changes in both the levels of the neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin in the limbic system, making adolescents more emotional and more sensitive to rewards and to stress. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and attuning to the environment during decision making. Increased dopamine activity means they are more likely to engage in risky behaviours and to get bored easily. Serotonin on the other hand is involved in the regulation of mood and behaviour, known as “the calming chemical” it eases tension and stress. Calibration of serotonin in teenage brains means emotional balance does not come easily.

Coupled with this, the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until age 25. The PFC is the cognitive control centre and is responsible for executive functioning skills. A delay may explain why our teens have difficulty focusing attention, organizing thoughts and problem solving, foreseeing consequences of behaviour, planning, impulse control, and modulating intense behaviour.

Talk to them about societal and cultural pressures.

Materialism and an increase in social media technologies can negatively influence body image and increase self-criticism in a world where teens feel they can never measure up. Throw COVID and current world events into the mix and life is more anxiety provoking than ever before.

Introduce the concept of common humanity and belonging

As an adolescent, I believed that I was the only person feeling sadness, anxiety and confusion. I believed that I was somehow broken, faulty or weak. Isolated in a sea of well-adjusted happy go lucky teens. Many of our adolescents feel the same way so they hide, mask or control their emotional experience. They are ashamed of how they feel. The truth is that struggling is profoundly human and adolescent tests and trials are universal. Friendship difficulties, fitting in, intense emotions, fear of change, not being comfortable in your own skin, increased sensitivity to stress are all part of the developmental journey. Knowing that you are not alone is one of the most important and transformative things a teen can hear. We, as parents can help by talking openly about the times in our lives when we have struggled and grown in the process.

Introduce awareness of the “Advisor”

As a species we have evolved with a brain that automatically notices threat, and problems first. This enabled our ancestors to survive in harsh, dangerous conditions. We all have an inner “Advisor” whose job is to protect us at all costs. This hyper sensitive, inner advisor no longer needs to protect us against Sabre Tooth Tigers but its voice is powerful none the less. It criticizes, judges, evaluates and labels our everyday experience in order to minimize threat and exclusion from social groups. Many adolescents and adults for that matter, believe that this voice is who they are and must be listened to in every situation. The reality is that it is an evolutionary survival drive that is useful in life-or-death scenarios but can be disregarded, or let go of when its advice is not helpful, productive or downright harmful, as in the case of extreme self criticism. This is the root of low self-esteem and a lack of self-compassion.

The most important lesson I learnt as a teen was “You are not your thoughts”. Thoughts arise and pass by like images on a cinema screen or clouds across the sky. The more we can teach our kids to witness the thoughts rather than identify with them (this is me), the more they will realize there is a separation between the thought and the witness. In this way they can evaluate the truth of thoughts and choose how to respond to them. Thoughts co-arise with emotions and we can learn to notice them as and when they arise.

Introduce awareness of the “Noticer”

The Noticer is that part of us that notices our experience, not only the thoughts and inner self talk but our body sensations and emotions. Another powerful lesson we can teach our kids is that all emotions are valid. They are not good or bad they are simply energies in motion. E-motion. When we identify with them, I am (…. insert any feeling) we attach stories, meanings and evaluations instead of listening to what they have to say. All emotions are essentially messages and need to be listened to in order to be experienced in an embodied way and then let go of. When our teenagers feel sad, lonely, anxious or angry and attach the meaning of “I am broken or weak” to the feeling, it stays within the body as tension and physical armouring. A sense of shame or inadequacy is attached to simply feeling a feeling. The truth is that every emotion is purposeful and has a message that needs to be heard. Sadness for example means you need to nurture yourself or seek comfort, whereas anger may mean you need to create boundaries. I like to use Tara Brach’s simple RAIN exercise to develop emotional awareness and compassion.

R- Recognize- Teach them first to recognize the feeling. You can ask the following questions: “What feeling is arising?” Where is the feeling located in the body and what are the sensations?”

A- Allow – Encourage them to say yes to whatever they are experiencing. This will create space in order to hear the message behind the emotion. All emotion is allowed, welcomed and is given space.

I -Investigate – Listen to the message. Renee Jain and Dr Shefali Tsabary list the following messages in their wonderful book Superpowered.

1. Feeling Anxiety and worry. “You are facing a challenge and you need motivation, focus and energy so I am giving you the gift of anxiety, quick thinking and creativity”.

2. Feeling socially alone or hurt. “You are not alone in this. I am trying to send a message to your body that you need to connect with someone you care about and love who can help support you through this”

3. Feeling worried, tense and obsessive. “Spam! Spam! Spam! I am feeling overprotective and confused. I’m sending you this message and making your body worry, but I’m not sure you need it.”

By listening to the emotions in an embodied way, you can help them to decide whether they need to take action, whether they are based on a true thought or just spam.

N- Nurture – The final part of the RAIN exercise is Nurture. How can they nurture themselves when they are having a hard time?

Introduce Self Compassion and Self Care

Be led by them, create a self-compassion list together. It maybe they enjoy snuggling up to a pet, taking a bath, watching a movie, going for a walk outside. There are many ways to calm and nurture the nervous system. We are hardwired to be soothed by touch so tapping meditations can be useful as well as the simple act of placing the hands on the heart.

It is also helpful to ask them what kind mind sounds like. What things would they like to hear when they are going through a tough time?

Encouraging them to practice a more formal activity that is developmentally appropriate. The following Loving Kindness Meditation was adapted by Karen Bluth and appears in her book The Self Compassion Workbook for Teens.

Meditation 2 Loving kindness for someone you care about.

Find a comfortable position

Think of a living being that makes you smile, a grandparent, favourite teacher or any living being that makes you feel good.

Now this living being like all living beings wants to be happy. So silently repeat the following phrases for this living being, seeing if you can connect to the feelings behind the words. Repeat phrases slowly.

May you be happy

(Think about what it feels like to be happy)

May you feel loved

(What does it feel like to be loved just the way you are)

Imagining that you are widening the circle that is surrounding this being so that you are including an image of yourself. In other words, you are imagining yourself standing with this being that makes you smile – you are both standing there together. Now repeat the phrases for both yourself and other being. Remember go slow so you can feel the meaning. Sense the feeling behind the words.

May we both feel happy

(Remember the feeling of being happy)

May we both feel loved

(Remember the feeling of being loved)

May we both begin to accept ourselves just as we are. – simply being open to the possibility that you could accept yourself exactly as you are.

Now letting go of the image of the other being that makes you smile – letting the image fade to the back ground so there is just you. Now very slowly repeat these phrases for you.

May I feel happy

May I feel loved

May I begin to accept myself just as I am.

How did it go – there is no right way or wrong way to feel. Whatever you feel is okay. Where are the feelings in my body, what physical sensations do I notice?

What was it like when you included phrases for being that made you smile?

What was it like when you included yourself?

What was it like when you included the phrases just for you?

Some people find it challenging – we don’t always feel as if we deserve to be happy or safe especially teens. In which case you may choose to say:

“May I begin to be open to the possibility of accepting myself just as I am”

Adolescence is a journey – a heroic one, and we can do much as parents to hold the space and support them during their transformation. The struggles they overcome, the challenges they face, the tests and trials they experience, the mistakes and falls they accept will grow and expand their expanding sense of self. In addition, they will find themselves, clarify values and create meaning along the way.

Perhaps the greatest lesson we can teach our Teens is summed up by the following quote by Louise Hayes.

“You will discover you have more potential than can ever be express in one moment. You are never complete, never broken, always capable of growth”

Thriving in Community runs regular online community webinars, Adolescent and Adult in person courses in Bromley, Kent throughout the Year.

Visit www.thriving-in-community.com to book.

Coming up:

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